New Violation of the Clear Skies Initiative

If I've said it once, I've said a hundred times: You let one violation slip by, and the next thing you know, you have flagrant malefactors running amok. Let me set you no-good-niks straight about a few things. Flag Toppers are not against the Clear Skies Initiative in and of themselves; just the shiny ones are verboten. Have you ever perchance seen the blinding spectral glare when the sun hits a shiny flag topper just right? It's maddening beyond all measure. It's like the atomic bomb and the Eye of Sauron got married, had offspring, and ran it up a flagpole. Well, I for one am not saluting. I'm leaping and bounding and barking like mad, and this is going on my permanent list of grievances. That's how I draw a bead on you, and once it's drawn, you're the one who's going down.

VIOLATIONS

Violations:
1. The Walmart Parking Lot
2. Golf Cart and Violations Not Otherwise Specified (V-NOS)
3. The Pool
4. Close Up
5. Building 2
6. Helicopter
7. Wall Patrol
8. Cat in Window

At least SOMEONE remembered

You know, when I got back from the Renaissance Festival last week, and I found out that llamas had taken over my blog, I was put out to say the least. I just gave them my password so they could post some pictures of me playing the lute in costume. Leave it to llamas to try and make a quick buck off some half-brained attempt at a scam.

So I was still bent out of shape about the whole llama fiasco, and all my fair-weather friends around this nut house go and forget my Birthday. Look, I didn't expect anyone to make a Federal Case out of the day I joined the Planet, but would a little attention be too much to ask?

Then, just when I was knee deep in mope, that guy comes in with an envelope that was just for me. The nice folks at PetSmart remembered my Birthday! We're pretty tight, you know. Just because I don't go around dropping names, doesn't mean I'm not connected. It's such a great card! I love my Birthday Card. This is the front:

This is the inside of the card. My doggie fun has just begun. I really like that.


I hope I can get that guy to read me the card a few more times before I go to sleep tonight. I really like it when he reads it to me; he gets the intonations just right.

HOUR DEMANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are LLAMAS!!!! We are com and deering this blog!!!! and wii half yore litttle black dog.!!!! It is alive, but slowly!!!! She is barkking, so give us all hour demands!!! Bring 10,000 monies in an unmarked bag!! don't try giving us no Fig Knew Tons!!! Wii knead cache!!! And we want moor Lady Gaga moo sick!!!! Bring us a REd Box full of her CD musikx!!! Then youre litttle black dog can go homme alive, and hopefully in won peace!! Sum won else cut off her tale, knot us!!! YOU HALF WON ARE TWO MEAT HOUR DEMANDS!!!!!! Do knot call the police, or yore litttle black dog will DYE!!! Leaf all hour demands bye the hey stack, you no witch won!!!
KNOT SIN SEAR LEE, THE LLLAMAS!!!!!

Poppy LED Eyes

Beware of the Closet Towel Shark

BEWARE!!!!!!

Shark Eyes

Lately everyone around here's been calling me "shark eyes." I know it's supposed to be an insult, like my bug eyes are all cold and lifeless and creepy, but I like it. Sharks are cool. For once in my life, I have a nickname I like. Sometimes, things really do work out. Who would have guessed?

ANNUAL SPRING TRIBUTE TO GETTING OUT

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**This blog is for entertainment purposes only. Professional stunt dogs were used. Do not try this at home. Actually "getting out" can result in incarceration, injury, death, or loss of treats. Poppy Bainzer is not legally liable for the consequences of getting out.

For my good pals back East

Heard it's been raining like crazy!! Don't worry, dogs can swim pretty good. They don't even have to take lessons or anything. They can just jump right in and swim real good. They're pretty good at it too. Shake off real good when you come in from a walk (or swim), and you should be fine. I'm a meerkat, and I'm Poppy's guest blogger, because she's too lazy to get off her mope spot today. She says it's always raining in her soul, so she doesn't feel sorry for anyone. Poppy keeps saying, "That's my world, welcome to it." I don't even know what that means.

Newest joke around here

Well, the newest joke around here is lame, as per usual. Everyone's saying I remind them of some raccoon on some lame eyeglasses commercial. That doesn't look at all like me, and I don't walk like that. But whatever. Have a good laugh at my expense. I hope it's the cherry on the cake of your day. Hardy-Har-Har.

Moping on the Road

Can't a dog mope in peace? Geez.

News Flash

Here's a NewsFlash for ya.

I'm not happy. Just so you know.

Happy Shiny People Bug Me

Hmmm, does happy and dumb here remind you of anyone you know?
I won't mention any names, but it rhymes with "Ribby Bawkenson"

Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness;
though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."

I don't like happy shiny people. They bug me. When I see them on walks, I want to bite them, but I'm afraid I'll catch something. Like stupidity.

Happy people just don't live in the real world. They're just plain delusional, and it bugs me. I know a guy who knows this guy who's got a cousin named Fred, and Fred's girlfriend's babysitter is dating this guy who is an editor for APA, and he says he has it on good authority that "Pathological Happiness" will be in the upcoming DSM-V. Good. The jig is up; happy people are nuts.

Once we get all of those pathological vacuous happiness freaks medicated, then we can get down to business. I like getting down to business, but that doesn't mean it makes me happy. I just like it, ok?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Death March

Well, I guess that little expedition I just returned from is some people's idea of a good time, although I don't see how anyone in their right mind would call the last hour of my life anything other than a death march.

Let's start at the beginning. "Let's go on a walk," Those People say, their big white human teeth gleaming with glee. I should have suspected their sinister motives right then and there, but I was too caught up in the anticipation of getting out of this stagnant cube of boredom commonly referred to as an apartment. All I wanted was a glimpse of "life out there." Is that so much to ask? What I got was a death march through the swamps of the netherworld.

So, everything is all fine and dandy for most of this so-called walk. Of course, my mouth was parched from thirst, and my nerves were raw from the constant onslaught of threats to my sanity. There were the usual threats, such as jet trails, kids with backpacks on, and other dogs.

You are not going to believe me when I tell you what happened next. Those People make me walk right next to these insane sprinklers. The grass was sopping wet! My feet got wet, and water splashed up on my fur, and it reminded me of rain. I hate rain! And Those People know it. Why do they think I "go" in the house when it's raining? Because I hate the rain! I guess I can say this much in their defense: they eventually let me walk out in the street. I used every inch of my 16 ft. leash to get as far away from those sprinklers as I could get. I was clear over the center line, but it wasn't far enough away for my taste.

What's the point of sprinklers, anyway? I don't see the point, and I hate things that have no point, because they're pointless. Anyway, take a look at these two pictures which are basically the same thing, and you'll know what I mean when I tell you that Those People dragged me on a death march.

Hmmm, now which picture is hurricane landfall, and which picture is sprinklers? If you can't tell the difference, it's because they're pretty much the same thing.

Possible Conspiracy

There's been an increase in helicopter flight patterns in various regions lately. I can't give you any more details than that, because it's probably above your pay grade, even if you're in the mix. If you're a civilian, just continue living your innocent little life; don't go chasing waterfalls.

This is all I can tell you that I know for sure: A certain yours truly may not be 100% Schipperke. And don't think that helicopters weren't involved. Apparently, there may be a little truth to the recent rumor that recombinant geneticists messed with my DNA when I was just a puppy. I think I remember certain details. I do remember being in a big black helicopter, and I'm pretty sure I remember the scientists conspiring with the helicopter pilots to MESS WITH MY DNA!!!

And now, when Those People tease me about looking like a bat, and a seal, and a cobra, they don't know how close to the truth they are. I'm pretty sure those geneticists spliced bat, seal, and cobra DNA into my own, and that's why I look the way I do. But don't take my word for it. The pictures speak for themselves. You be the judge.

Violations cited on 5/6/09

Violation 1

Time: 11:26 a.m.

Place: Parking Lot

Personal Note: I've always hated that golf cart that the maintenance crew drives around in. Even though it is technically "on the ground", it always seemed like it was violating some code. At the very least, it just plain bugged me. So I always barked at it quite a bit. Imagine my chagrin this morning when I saw that they had tied a bunch of balloons to it! It was insanity.

Violation 2

Magpies in various locals during the duration of various walks within the limits of, but not limited to, the city limits of the city I'm limited to. Not all birds violate the CSI Act of 2004, but magpies definitely do. Magpies, and also any and all hawks that land on the railing of my back porch definitely do violate both the intent and the literal translation of the CSI, and they will be cited and barked at to the full extent of the law.

HOPE

President George Washington had 36 dogs when he lived at the White House. He's not the only President to have more than one dog, either. Of course the President of the United States of America can have as many pets as he or she wants. That really makes sense. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. I guess I still have a chance to live in the White House with Pres. Obama. I'm so happy I could dance a jig. All I need to do is increase my vigilant monitoring of even the slightest violation of the Clear Skies Initiative, and it's a sure bet.

The President's New Dog

You've probably heard of "The New Deal". Well, let me introduce you to "The Raw Deal". The Raw Deal is basically what I'm getting every waking minute of every single day of my life! I just can't get a fair shake. I always thought that if a dog could get a fair shake anywhere, it would be in the White House.

Then I heard that President Obama was going to adopt a dog that really needed a good home. I so hoped it would be me. I thought that, just maybe, he would notice my ceaseless efforts in support of the Clear Skies Initiative. I thought he would hear my bark across the miles, and rescue me from this dump. I could have helped him so much! I could have basically replaced the Secret Service. No one can bark their little head off like I can. No one!

It must have been my stump. Liberals are so anti-docking. I hate my stump. I hate myself. I can't even look in mirror anymore. All I see is a failure, a reject, a dog who never got a fair shake. The pathetic thing is....I still love Obama.

SOMEDAY A SCHIPPERKE WILL BE IN OFFICE

Yeah, I used to hope that someday a Schipp would take office, and there would be some real changes around here. Now I know the exact day that will happen:

"When I was still a rather precocious young man, I already realized most vividly the futility of the hopes and aspirations that most men pursue throughout their lives."
--Albert Einstein

I feel ya, bro....

I don't really know this guy in the YouTube video posted below, but I think we would be pretty good friends, because a lot of my dreams go this way...a twinge, a twitch, a spontaneous moment of clarity and vision that's indecorously followed by a spastic expenditure of motion that goes nowhere...my initial enthusiasm is then quickly replaced by a brief, tenuous, confused hope that shatters as the great wall of reality sends me stumbling back into the stark and barren landscape that is my life...I feel ya, bro....