Moping on the Road

Can't a dog mope in peace? Geez.

News Flash

Here's a NewsFlash for ya.

I'm not happy. Just so you know.

Happy Shiny People Bug Me

Hmmm, does happy and dumb here remind you of anyone you know?
I won't mention any names, but it rhymes with "Ribby Bawkenson"

Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness;
though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."

I don't like happy shiny people. They bug me. When I see them on walks, I want to bite them, but I'm afraid I'll catch something. Like stupidity.

Happy people just don't live in the real world. They're just plain delusional, and it bugs me. I know a guy who knows this guy who's got a cousin named Fred, and Fred's girlfriend's babysitter is dating this guy who is an editor for APA, and he says he has it on good authority that "Pathological Happiness" will be in the upcoming DSM-V. Good. The jig is up; happy people are nuts.

Once we get all of those pathological vacuous happiness freaks medicated, then we can get down to business. I like getting down to business, but that doesn't mean it makes me happy. I just like it, ok?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Death March

Well, I guess that little expedition I just returned from is some people's idea of a good time, although I don't see how anyone in their right mind would call the last hour of my life anything other than a death march.

Let's start at the beginning. "Let's go on a walk," Those People say, their big white human teeth gleaming with glee. I should have suspected their sinister motives right then and there, but I was too caught up in the anticipation of getting out of this stagnant cube of boredom commonly referred to as an apartment. All I wanted was a glimpse of "life out there." Is that so much to ask? What I got was a death march through the swamps of the netherworld.

So, everything is all fine and dandy for most of this so-called walk. Of course, my mouth was parched from thirst, and my nerves were raw from the constant onslaught of threats to my sanity. There were the usual threats, such as jet trails, kids with backpacks on, and other dogs.

You are not going to believe me when I tell you what happened next. Those People make me walk right next to these insane sprinklers. The grass was sopping wet! My feet got wet, and water splashed up on my fur, and it reminded me of rain. I hate rain! And Those People know it. Why do they think I "go" in the house when it's raining? Because I hate the rain! I guess I can say this much in their defense: they eventually let me walk out in the street. I used every inch of my 16 ft. leash to get as far away from those sprinklers as I could get. I was clear over the center line, but it wasn't far enough away for my taste.

What's the point of sprinklers, anyway? I don't see the point, and I hate things that have no point, because they're pointless. Anyway, take a look at these two pictures which are basically the same thing, and you'll know what I mean when I tell you that Those People dragged me on a death march.

Hmmm, now which picture is hurricane landfall, and which picture is sprinklers? If you can't tell the difference, it's because they're pretty much the same thing.

Possible Conspiracy

There's been an increase in helicopter flight patterns in various regions lately. I can't give you any more details than that, because it's probably above your pay grade, even if you're in the mix. If you're a civilian, just continue living your innocent little life; don't go chasing waterfalls.

This is all I can tell you that I know for sure: A certain yours truly may not be 100% Schipperke. And don't think that helicopters weren't involved. Apparently, there may be a little truth to the recent rumor that recombinant geneticists messed with my DNA when I was just a puppy. I think I remember certain details. I do remember being in a big black helicopter, and I'm pretty sure I remember the scientists conspiring with the helicopter pilots to MESS WITH MY DNA!!!

And now, when Those People tease me about looking like a bat, and a seal, and a cobra, they don't know how close to the truth they are. I'm pretty sure those geneticists spliced bat, seal, and cobra DNA into my own, and that's why I look the way I do. But don't take my word for it. The pictures speak for themselves. You be the judge.

Violations cited on 5/6/09

Violation 1

Time: 11:26 a.m.

Place: Parking Lot

Personal Note: I've always hated that golf cart that the maintenance crew drives around in. Even though it is technically "on the ground", it always seemed like it was violating some code. At the very least, it just plain bugged me. So I always barked at it quite a bit. Imagine my chagrin this morning when I saw that they had tied a bunch of balloons to it! It was insanity.

Violation 2

Magpies in various locals during the duration of various walks within the limits of, but not limited to, the city limits of the city I'm limited to. Not all birds violate the CSI Act of 2004, but magpies definitely do. Magpies, and also any and all hawks that land on the railing of my back porch definitely do violate both the intent and the literal translation of the CSI, and they will be cited and barked at to the full extent of the law.

HOPE

President George Washington had 36 dogs when he lived at the White House. He's not the only President to have more than one dog, either. Of course the President of the United States of America can have as many pets as he or she wants. That really makes sense. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. I guess I still have a chance to live in the White House with Pres. Obama. I'm so happy I could dance a jig. All I need to do is increase my vigilant monitoring of even the slightest violation of the Clear Skies Initiative, and it's a sure bet.

The President's New Dog

You've probably heard of "The New Deal". Well, let me introduce you to "The Raw Deal". The Raw Deal is basically what I'm getting every waking minute of every single day of my life! I just can't get a fair shake. I always thought that if a dog could get a fair shake anywhere, it would be in the White House.

Then I heard that President Obama was going to adopt a dog that really needed a good home. I so hoped it would be me. I thought that, just maybe, he would notice my ceaseless efforts in support of the Clear Skies Initiative. I thought he would hear my bark across the miles, and rescue me from this dump. I could have helped him so much! I could have basically replaced the Secret Service. No one can bark their little head off like I can. No one!

It must have been my stump. Liberals are so anti-docking. I hate my stump. I hate myself. I can't even look in mirror anymore. All I see is a failure, a reject, a dog who never got a fair shake. The pathetic thing is....I still love Obama.

SOMEDAY A SCHIPPERKE WILL BE IN OFFICE

Yeah, I used to hope that someday a Schipp would take office, and there would be some real changes around here. Now I know the exact day that will happen:

"When I was still a rather precocious young man, I already realized most vividly the futility of the hopes and aspirations that most men pursue throughout their lives."
--Albert Einstein

I feel ya, bro....

I don't really know this guy in the YouTube video posted below, but I think we would be pretty good friends, because a lot of my dreams go this way...a twinge, a twitch, a spontaneous moment of clarity and vision that's indecorously followed by a spastic expenditure of motion that goes nowhere...my initial enthusiasm is then quickly replaced by a brief, tenuous, confused hope that shatters as the great wall of reality sends me stumbling back into the stark and barren landscape that is my life...I feel ya, bro....

The Clear Skies Initiative hanging by a thread

Lately I’ve noticed many violations of the Clear Skies Initiative (CSI). Although it is blatantly obvious that these incidences are offensive beyond all measure, even to someone with no prior knowledge of the CSI Act of 2004, as per usual, people have been reverting to complacency and mediocrity as they live in their little straw houses built in Idiot-ville. Just when I think today might be a pretty good day, for once in my life, I look up in sky and see a CSI violation. I guess it’s just about par for the course that nothing ever goes my way. When the CSI Act passed, I thought, “Great, now maybe I can relax and enjoy life a little.” All I really got was another dream shot to heck. I don’t know why I bother anymore, but here is my grievance list, as if anyone even cares.

Objects forbidden under the Clear Skies Initiative:

1. helicopters
2. airplanes
3. jet trails
4. hot air balloons
5. hang-gliders
6. big helium balloons at car dealerships
7. small helium balloons that some kid let go of
8. search lights
9. beacons
10. plastic shopping bags caught in tree branches
11. light bouncing off tin foil onto the ceiling
12. the reflection from anything shiny on a balcony
13. helicopters
14. laser pen lights
15. kites

Things that are allowed under the Clear Skies Initiative:

Sun, Moon, Clouds, and Stars—It’s not that hard!

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT

OK kids, let's call this Image # 1. It's a bunny.

Now, let's call this Image #2. It's a purebred AKC registered Schipperke.

Now, if you can't tell the difference between Image #1 and Image #2, then don't walk past my house. I'm not a bunny! OK?? I've got a long list of grievances, and getting called a bunny is on it! Seriously, when is the last time you saw a bunny sitting in the window and barking its head off? I'll tell you the last time: It was when you needed glasses! I wouldn't go hiking if I were you, because you'll probably try to pet the cute little "bunny" called a grizzly bear, and it will snarf you down like a piece of Wonder Bread. I'm glad we got that straight.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST WRONG

Every time I see a helicopter up in the sky, I just want to bark my head off until I go insane.

Helicopters are just plain wrong. If you need that explained to you, then you are an idiot and I'm not even going to waste my precious time explaining the obvious to an idiot.

I won't even get to say "I told you so" to all of the idiots someday, because they will all be dead. BECAUSE OF HELICOPTERS, YOU IDIOT!!!!

WHAT A JOKE

I thought maybe today, for once in my life, was going to be a good day. Man, I sure had another think coming.

First of all, I really had to go pee, but those people were just snoozing away. I could have gone in the hall, but I'm a little more dignified than that. Trilby goes in the hall everyday, and blames Max! I guess you can get away with anything when you're the cute one. So then those people finally decided to get it in gear and take us on a so called walk.

A "Walk". What a joke.

It was like 10 seconds long; I had time to pee and sniff one lousy bush, and then they're dragging me up like 50 flights of stairs with that stupid leash.

Don't even get me started on breakfast. Those people keep calling it dog food, but I'm pretty dang sure it's just some gravel they picked up off the Wal-mart parking lot.